Unscripted - A Blog for Actors - Backstage

Dancing, Shmancing.

Since embarking on a career as a musical theater actor, I've been holding myself back because of my fear of dancing. When I go into dance class, I feel self-conscious not knowing the technique, not being able to retain the choreography, and feeling a bit like a dancing elephant from Fantasia.

I've written about repairing my relationship to dance before, and I'm still working on it. I came to a realization the other day -

Dancing is fun.

For years I've treated classes as medicine for my lack of skill. I signed up for a dance work study only to find that the classes left me feeling  humiliated, and I couldn't keep up with my self-imposed four-class-a-week schedule. While in class, I'd intensely focus on retaining as much as possible so that I would "learn to dance" faster and be more proficient at dance calls.

The Casting Puzzle

As actors, we hardly ever get feedback on our auditions. How can we know that we are doing a good job? It is impossible to measure your progress by the amount of callbacks you receive, because casting is entirely subjective. I try to rely on my gut instinct - I usually can tell if I gave it everything I've got, or if I held myself back in some way.

In the months of April and May, I was a manic auditioner. I was constantly submitting and going on audition appointments. Often I felt like I gave good, callback worthy auditions. I developed a more serious way of preparing, and went in feeling confident and doing my best. Something about knowing that they had selected me for an appointment gave me an extra boost of confidence.

Out of 30 odd auditions, I received one call-back. I didn't book the job.

Celebrate Your Goals

 Living in NYC has taught me to that no one is going to motivate you except for yourself. 

Moving to New York was pretty overwhelming. Instead of being a big fish in a small pond, I was thrown into an ocean of hometown superstars. 

That is why it is so important to set tangible, realistic goals for yourself. I've talked about goals before, but no one is a better cheerleader for your team than --- you! Seeking performance work is a full-time job with no paycheck, and the only incentive is what you give yourself. When I don't give myself a direction, I fall into supreme laziness and a touch of the blues. 

When I made the big move, I read that the Glinda replacement on Broadway was 24, and I thought, "I can do that! I'll totally be on Broadway by then." When my 24th birthday came and left, I was crushed. I hadn't reached my goal. 

PGDS - Post-Gig Depression Syndrome

I suffer from what I call PGDS, or Post-Gig Depression Syndrome. You know the drill; you've been working with a wonderful cast for several months, enjoying eight shows a week, and the comfort of feeling validated by your work. You're a working actor, hell yeah! Until the show ends and suddenly you are thrown into the pool of the unemployed. 

Without fail, I fall into PGDS when a fabulous job ends, and I don't have any jobs lined up on the horizon. I miss the show, my cast, what is feels like to be that character. The evil vampire voices start creeping in on me, telling me that I'll never book a show again. I'm confident in my career path and logically know that I will work again soon, but the doubt lurks around the corners of my bravado. 

The Rejection Letter

I get rejected several times a week, and I'm okay with that (doesn't that sound like some sort of Rejected-Anonymous slogan?). I've built up my emotional defenses. Whenever I put myself out there, I allow my interest to carry me though the end of the audition. Once I've given my heart in the audition room, I try to let it go. At that point it is out of my hands, and I try not to think of it any more and hope to be happily surprised by a future callback or offer. 

Oddly enough, rejection letters get under my skin. I may have come to terms with the fact that I won't be participating in whatever cool project I just auditioned for, but somehow, seeing in writing that "many talented people came out to audition and unfortunately they can not offer me a part in the production" is not a consolation. I assumed that many talented people would be interested. You could offer me a part if you really wanted to. 

Wanted: Smiling Faces

I've been floating among a sea of cubicles, hanging onto the Internet for support while sustaining myself on cups of free coffee and drowning my sorrows in diet coke...

Things have been a little bonkers in Brittany Land. (Bonkers in Brittanyland....will you please write that musical for me? Ok, thanks.) I had to pick up a two-week temping gig and take a break from the manic auditioning. No matter how much I'd like to sustain myself on oatmeal, I needed a some cash and more vitamins in my diet. 

But you know what? Its okay. Temping is wonderful because its flexible, easy, and you get to leave. No matter how much you like your temporary position or don't like it, you are finished at the end of your contract, which is usually one week. 

There are so many unhappy people here in OfficeVille. They don't like to say good morning. They rarely make eye contact in the hallways. I feel compelled to count down the hours until I can go home. Its very obvious who loves their job, and who is here because it is a job. The ones who are content shine out from the crowd. They are generous with their smiles. 

Best Practices in Acting Biz

There is no handbook on how to create a fulfilling, active career in the performing arts. Sometimes I find myself jealous of my lawyer and doctor friends. They know if they achieve this much schooling, its a safe bet that they will establish a successful career. Its not like that in the acting business. You could go to school, put in the hours, invest the money in head shots, go to auditions, and still see no tangible progress. 

That's because there is no one path to success in an artist's career. For example: how do you find an agent? Some people are recommended, some are found through shows, some through showcases, some through submitting, some through paid one-on-one classes. As someone looking for an agent, I find this all terribly exhausting. There are so many different ways that other people have found agents, so what can I do to find one for myself? Do I need to go through all of these avenues until someone wants to be on my team? What is the most efficient way?

Lately I've been getting to know other working actors. Meeting over lunch, coffee, sending emails; what I want to know is how they got from their move into New York City, to where they are now, as busy professionals? 

Diva Roller

I don’t know about you ladies out there tramping in Audition Wonderland, but I need a lot of stuff to get ready. I've literally been schlepping my old highschool backpack around town, stuffing it to the gills with my audition dress, shoes, my book, makeup, a curling iron, and snacks. Depending on how long I’d be away from my apartment, I might also have a book to read, a computer, and a change of clothes if I want to go to the gym afterwards.

I was breaking my back! My poor bookbag was busting at the seams, and I had already sewn the left strap back on after it ripped from the constant sling-on, sling-off. I needed an upgrade.

250 Push-Ups a Day

Three weeks ago upon my return to NYC, I doodled "Try Harder" on a post-it, and put it on my wall where I'd see it every morning. It's my new personal mantra.

At a recent agent seminar at Reproductions (all NYC actors should check these out! They are free and chock full of great industry information), Nancy Curtis from Harden-Curtis Associates left us with a golden-nugget of advice. All actors are doing the equivalent of 100 push-ups a day; we audition, we go to the gym, we go to work, we send out resumes. The person that is successful is the one who is doing 250 push-ups a day, going above and beyond what is expected of them. That is the person that her agency wants to work with.

So in the spirit of 250 push-ups, I attended three epas, one ecc, one Disney open call, and two appointments last week. I can say that I've pushed myself to my limits. I successfully tried as hard as I possibly could to put myself out there and be seen as much as possible. 

February Hustle

I'm on day four out of my five day audition-mission, and I've been to three auditions, with five more auditions remaining this week. That's right - today I have three auditions and tomorrow I have two. When it rains it pours, right? I'm starting to feel like Time Square is actually my office. I go in every day at 7:45am, have my coffee, catch up on my emails, say hi to co-workers...

A few things that I've picked up on in terms of full-time auditioning is that if you want to definitely be seen, a la have your name on whatever official list is being made, you need to get there early. I used to think that showing up at 8:45am was early. No. I'm talking 7:45am early. When in doubt, arrive an hour earlier than you think you should. Equity Principle Auditions have been a madhouse this week. For three days in a row, I witnessed pre-sign-up-audition-lines so long that it wrapped thrice around the room and spilled into the holding room next door. In today's instance, it flowed into three holding rooms, and down the hallway. There are a lot of folks who want jobs and want to be seen. Want it more by showing up a little earlier. 

Pretty, Pretty Princess

This week I'm feeling a bit crazy and more ambitious than usual. I have six auditions in five days that I plan on attending. 

I am sort of excited for this adventure. How will I fare, emotionally? Sometimes too many open calls breaks down my spirit, and leaves me with a "why am I doing this" glaze. Will my auditions improve? I noticed that I am more focused in the middle of the week than at the beginning or end. How many of the same girls will I see daily? I'm thinking of it as a personal test. 

As I see it, being an unemployed actor does not mean that you are out of work. The business of auditioning is the work. Being prepared, showing up early in the morning, staying positive among daily rejection all goes into the job of finding another job. 

The first audition up at bat was an open call for the Disney theme parks. Arriving an hour early, the line had already snaked through the room and was out the holding room door. With waiting in line for an hour, I was only number 100. There were at least 300 people waiting. 

The Saga Begins: Full-Time Auditioning

I've been back in the city for two weeks now and have been to eight auditions. Of those eight auditions, I've had one appointment, one EPA, one alternate number and been seen, one alternate number and not be seen, one ECC, one type-out, one walk-out, and one I signed up for by accident. Add to that one mental breakdown on the phone with Mom, and one pick-myself-up-and-brush-myself-off revelation. 

Out of eight auditions attended, I only was in the room for four. Crazy, no?

This is my first time committing whole-hog, to audition season in New York. I knew it would be trying, but this is a whole new level of mental and physical stamina I have never known before. Not only are you combating winter weather, sleepiness, hunger, motivation, confidence, and the other 300 girls who showed up, you must keep a sense of self. It is really easy to get overwhelmed. 

Wonkily Yours

   At this point in tour, I’ve done the show almost forty times. It’s a constant challenge to keep the moments fresh and real, and not to rest on my haunches. It’s so easy to go through the motions and rely on muscle memory.  This is a huge pet peeve of mine, watching other performers obviously do their show for the millionth time, and I strive not to settle for an “easy” show. I’ve discovered that my favorite shows are actually the ones when one of my castmates, or myself, starts feeling a little “off.”

   It just mixes things up a little, and the show is just a smidge different. When I’m tired, I find I’m looser in my patterns onstage and my guard is lower. As a result, new moments pop up. Having a different energy from a coworker gives something new to play off of, which helps keeps things fresh. I’m learning to embrace these “off” days and funnel the change of energy into something positive, instead of being anxious about performance.

Is Musical Theater Dying?

Where has all the good theater gone?

This week the tour took a pit stop to my favorite windy city, Chicago. I found myself with a ticket to a certain Tony-award winning musical that has been running to sold-out audiences for three years straight, which has recently transferred to New York.

It was pretty awful. 

If you looked at this review musical purely as a concert, the singers were great. The costumes impressive, the lighting beautiful. Sadly, I have a hard time turning off my critical brain when seeing a musical. I can't separate "good singing" from "minimal acting." This show has won a Tony, for goodness sake! Doesn't that distinction stand for some level of stage excellence?

Making Mini-Goals

   Being on tour is like a universe away from the hustle and bustle of NYC. While in New York, I was balancing work schedules, visits with friends, and of course auditions. Many days I'd spend 12 hours away from home, and get home exhausted, but happy, with a mile long to-do list. There never seemed to be enough time to catch up on writing or to go to the grocery store. Catch-up phone calls with friends had to be scheduled into my iCal, with reminders. Or else I'd forget and continue on with the fast pace of the city.

  Life on the road is nothing like that. We perform two - three days a week, with moderate traveling via a 15 passenger van in between. I love our occasional stops in big cities, like New Orleans or Chicago, where there is a never ending supply of touristy things to entertain yourself. Most of the time we are stopping in small towns outside of major metropolitan areas. Some towns the only place to go is to WalMart. (A WalMart day is a very exciting day! Hello, sales on microwavable dinners; plus you never know if you'll have a peopleofwalmart.com sighting.)

On the Road Again

Time to pack up my trusty purple monster of a suitcase and hit the road again. For the next four months I'll be traveling with the 2nd National Tour of Knuffle Bunny, a Cautionary Musical. Traveling up and down mainly the east coast, we are making kids giggle everywhere we go. 

Its been about two years since my last tour. I had forgotten the excitement of coming onstage at a new venue several time a week, eating out for most meals, and the joy of getting close with a new group of people. 

Our opening night was to an audience of 800 children. Its so funny how the show changes from the rehearsal room, to an audience of production staff, to an audience of kids. Of course children think that different things are funny, but I feel that they are less repressed in their sense of humor. No one has told them not to laugh at butt jokes yet. I still think they are funny, but I guess I keep that under wraps when I'm in public. Wiggle one butt in front of a bunch of kids, and you've reinvented comedy. 

Pendulum Theory

   Forrest Gump said that “life is like a box of chocolates; you never know which one you’re going to get.” While I agree with him, I think life is also like a pendulum, constantly swinging. You’ve got to move through the low points to get back on the upswing and to the highest point, and naturally you’ll head back down, through the low point. The good news, is that once you are on the down-and-out, it can only swing back up to a high point.

   Since my last post, I’ve been on a pretty rapid upswing. I was feeling at my lowest pendulum point last week. Those little lecherous vampire voices in my head were screaming at me, “You aren’t good enough, switch paths, don’t even try.”  Some seriously evil, self-deprecating shit.

Ups and Downs

   I’ve been feeling in a bit of a funk lately. No matter how good I feel I am doing in the audition room, it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. One audition was so confidence-stripping, that I haven’t been able to bring myself to audition for a few weeks.

    I recently attended one of the Access to Agents auditions that Equity holds a few times a year. I eagerly arrived at 6am that morning, thinking that I’d be the first one in line. Wrong. I was greeted by at least 25 other actors who had dragged their sorry butts out of bed before the sun rose. After a few hours of reconnecting with the dirty NYC sidewalk, I was so excited to sign up for my audition appointment more than twelve hours later that evening.

   I was feeling really great. Really excited to show of my stuff for a few agents in town. As I walked in the room and gave them a hello, I received…nothing. Not even a head not, not even a murmur of recognition back. No, “What are you going to sing for us today, Brittany?” Nada. I would have welcomed even a burp to acknowledge that I was alive.

Actor Prejudice

     I absolutely abhor the stigma that comes with being an actor; that we are flaky, irresponsible, and head-in-the-clouds sort of folk. The best actors I know are completely grounded and responsible. We have to be smart about our reputations to thrive in this industry. So why the stigma?

   I'm looking for a new place to live, and every place, without fail, asks what you do for a living. They want to know that you have enough money to pay your rent. Breathe one word about being an auditioning actor and you are out the door. 

   Looking for a new job, the same issue applies. Tell them that you are an actor and want some scheduling flexibility, you are taken out of the running. They want someone more "commitment-worthy," even if it is an entry-level desk job. Actors are even more qualified for working in office situations, we are people-persons and intelligent. We want these jobs so we can survive for our real passion; wouldn't we be more likely to be committed to your company that an average entry-level Joe on the street with no direction?

   I hate lying about my profession! I've started telling folks I work in sales, just so I can be put in the same running as everyone else working a job they can't stand. Yes, I am in sales, but for a few hours a week. I am proud as hell about my actor-status that it kills me to define myself otherwise. 

Nervous Breakthrough

   When I first moved to NYC three months ago, I was determined to go to as many EPAs and ECCs that I could fill my plate with. 

   Hardy-har-har. 

   I rather quickly abandonned that game plan. All my friends seemed to have agents getting them appointments, and open calls made me feel really bad about myself. 

   There is this toxic energy to open call waiting rooms. From the moment you step in the room at 8:30am to try and get an EPA spot before lunch, or even in that half-hour before they call the list at an ECC, I felt this wave of negativity enter my universe. As soon I stepped into that room, I was overwhelmed with a sense of lonliness, even when I knew the person sitting right next to me. "What's the point," I'd think to myself, "I'm not going to get cast today. They'll pick someone {insert self-depreciating adjective} than me."

   Everybody is checking out everybody, stacking up their compeition. I can't stand the passive looks, the over-enthusiastic girls greeting their friends in a super-high soprano. Then comes the primping, the double checking of the lipstick, the sitting with your curling iron in the corner, the 100 trips to the bathroom, and finally waiting in your group of ten.