Fixing the Oscars

This week in entertainment news is typically reserved for dozens and dozens of articles about how long the Oscar broadcast was, and how the host could have been better, and oh my god what was that Best Actress nominee thinking when she chose that dress.

I don't really care what she was thinking, but I do fear that Angelina Jolie's leg has achieved sentience.  I used to think Google would lead the robot revolution that would enslave humanity, but nope.  It's Jolie's leg.

Anyway...I'd love to throw my two cents in the bank regarding how the broadcast could be improved.  Here are some ideas:

1. Stop broadcasting it.  Seriously.  This will never happen, and I'm mostly glad that's true, but my god is this an uncomfortable affair.  I just can't handle the banter any more.  It's so badly written and executed.  I'm thrilled when actors like Christian Bale and Sean Penn present, because I know they're just going to get down to it and leave.  So do you want ratings, or do you want to honor the best in film of the past year?  I don't think you can do both.  But we all know it's a cash cow, and they'll keep airing it, so let's try a few other ideas.

2. Cut down the number of awards for the broadcast.  Watching this year's nomination announcements, I thought "why aren't these the only awards in the actual show?"  Ten categories, all nearest and dearest to the public heart.  Don't get me wrong, I don't undervalue cinematography or editing and they should be honored, but I think it's safe to say that the public ABC is chasing for ratings doesn't really care.  Of course, if that's all you're going for you can just broadcast six hours of red carpet coverage and leave it at that.

3. No host.  This works smashingly for the SAG awards.  It keeps the show moving and there's no one to criticize on Monday morning.  It's typically a thankless job given to the comedian who said "not it" last, so why not cut it out altogether?  

4. Scale back the performance numbers.  We all know the movies are magical.  That's why we're watching the Oscars.  I don't need an interpretive dance from Cirque du Soleil to convince me of that.  And anyway, isn't this a show about film?  So what's with the Broadway stuff?  Save the song and dance for when they remake Singin' in the Rain (ooh, you know they will).  

5. Act-offs.  Don't tell us who won.  Tell us who the top two vote-getters are, then make them battle it out in front of millions of people.  Picture it: Meryl Streep and Viola Davis take the stage, then pull a monologue out of a hat a la So You Think You Can Dance.  A panel of judges comprised of past winners in the category then determines who gets the statue.  I love it.  And it will handicap Streep, because when's the last time she auditioned for something?

Photo courtesy of Getty Images

--Colin Fisher