Sometimes I Wonder...
No, I'm not leaving unscripted. I'm just grateful for my readers and for the supportive comments and emails I receive.
I guess you could say I'm going 'Gaga'.
But I think I need to let the guard down a bit.
I don't always write about how I truly feel or about how things really are, in my head at least.
I prefer to focus on what is there, as opposed to what isn't.
Secondly, I prefer to be a source of confidence, optimism, and possibility. People need that. This industry is chaotic enough.
And thirdly, there is a layer of emotional privacy that's healthy for me to keep, well...private.
But then, maybe admitting some of these fears or insecurities could be helpful. Here goes...
Am I crazy, still, for investing anymore of my time and energy in this career/dream/goal? A friend of mine in New York asked me once, "Are you only going to be able to be happy if you reach that high-level of movie stardom?"
Good question and the answer is no, but still...I wonder about it.
I procrastinate, just like anyone else...sometimes. I am hard on myself and self-deprecating and self-punishing, just like anyone else.
And even more so, sometimes I feel like throwing it all away, just like anyone else, packing up the minimals in my car, and driving till I hit the first quaint town where I can buy a yellow house with a wrap around porch that's located in a great educational system for my future kids.
When will I have the career I've sacrificed just about every other part of my life for? Will I ever have to stop working a day job?
Sometimes I wonder how in the hell it will happen, because the reality of the obstacles can be overwhelming.
Am I pretty enough? Am I connected enough to the right people? Do I have that inexplicable something that the industry is looking for? How do I create that inexplicable something myself?
How are we, as artists, supposed to live balanced lives of love and creativity simultaneously?
Balancing a healthy romantic relationship with the demanding disciplines of being in the entertainment industry is an art form alone.
I know my blogs come across as steadfast, enlightening, and strong; that's also because I find this opportunity a great blessing and I don't take a single syllable for granted.
But I also want you to know that I am just as insecure, vulnerable and challenged as anyone else.
Sometimes I wonder, about all of it. And it makes me crazy, for about a second. But then that's it. I wonder, for about a second, the less the better, and then I move on, into the next moment in my life, and then the next and the next.
And sometimes, instead of wondering, I'll pretend shop until two o'clock in the morning on websites for things I don't really need, just because it's fun.
Sometimes when I start to wonder, I stop myself, and force myself to hit a cardio-dance class. Or listen to my last taped ranting of jokes and thoughts, and start to chip away the fat to find the joke. Or force myself to write, sing a few songs, learn some new ones, make a few phone calls, and work.
And then you know what happens after I've done all those things I just forced myself to do instead of allowing myself to sit around and wonder or procrastinate...?
I feel better. I feel joy. I'm in the flow. But most importantly, I've just had some more fun. And then I wonder, why do we ever keep ourselves from doing the things that bring us the most joy?
Sometimes I wonder all these things and then, I realize, these things that I'm wondering, they're the dream, where as the things that I'm living and doing (and I love what I'm doing), they're my reality.
So, I may not always be as strong as I seem, or as my blogs seem. But I hope at least, that I continue to be as inspirational.
(photos courtesy of Keo Woolford and the La Jolla Coves)
Your Truly -- Ann Hu