Still Wearing the Apron

Not getting the job that was absolutely perfect for me was a huge blow. Bigger than anything I've felt in a long time. I also found out that same day that my commercial holding fee was not being renewed - that the commercial I shot was never going to air on television. Bye bye perfect job. Bye bye debt free life. Hello 2 part time jobs. Hello part time job #3 search.

I was stupid. I admit it. I booked two commercials in one month and when I was let go from my restaurant gig a few months back, I didn't pursue another one. I mean, I did, but not whole heartedly. Because I hate it. I hate people. I hate this job I used to like when I first started but don't anymore.

I loved it when people asked me, "What do you do?" and I replied I was an actress/writer. "No, I mean, where do you wait tables?" And I could respond sweetly, "Nope, I'm just an actress/writer, you douche," if I wanted to because I was not serving this rude person a sandwich, an iced tea, more sweet n low, the check cause he's in a rush, needing to bite my tongue as he insulted me, my career, my dreams, as he rushed home so he could make it in time to watch the Emmy's, the Oscars, the awards shows for actors who once also had to fold napkins, refill coffees and pray for parties of six or more so they could get an automatic gratuity.

I was selfish. I wanted to live off what I had and hope money was coming, instead of being a responsible adult and going out to get it. Using the excuse that now I didn't need to request time frames for auditions, that I could confirm every single audition appointment given to me because I was FREE LANCE.

Maybe this was finally my turn. Maybe I could finally count myself as one of those actors who didn't have to have a side job anymore.

I couldn't. I didn't.

I am taking orders, refilling cokes, humbled.

It's not a sprint. It's a marathon.

I'm still running.

 

-- Lira Kellerman

{photo via Tanya Giang}

Comments

[Keresey Proctor]

I can hear your disappointment in your tone. But as you know, it is the actors who persevere that get to their dreams. Continue working this other job - and don't despise it - see it as a means to an end. And when the time does come where you can leave - then you can do so proudly.

[Joel R. Putnam]

Ouch. I feel you pain there. Keep at it though, you'll get your next shot soon, especially now that you're gunning for it full-time again.

[christine]

Another door closes, another is getting ready to open.

Don't lose hope just yet! :/

*hugs*

[Justine]

It's difficult of course and I do relate.

I will say that I get the feeling that restaurant work is not for you. Just based on a few things you said. In this economy, it's not easy to find part-time jobs I know, but keep looking around and see what else you can find. Maybe you'd like some sort of self-starter work: walking dogs, typing papers, etc., something where you can (in some cases) make your own schedule. Just an idea. See what else you can come up with for the future. You don't have to "love" a survival job, of course, but it also shouldn't make you miserable.