...And Thanks For All The Fish!

My job at Unscripted has ended.  I'm proud to have been one of the first bloggers here and that my stay has been so long.  I will miss this community and the experience, but change is needed - happy change - on both sides.  I have learned so much, felt a real growth with my writing and made some wonderful friends. 

September always feels like a new start, so this timing is perfect.  This past summer has been a very strange and wonderful coming-around of sorts for myself.  It's the start of my second decade here in this city.  I am in the black for the first time of my adult life.  Just when I worried I'd never be on stage ever again - I did a wonderful show.  I've had more fun and met more new people than I could have imagined.  I've also reconnected with some long-lost, dearly cherished pals, and I CUT MY HAIR!

I wish I had some sage words but I have difficulty keeping anything of that nature concise.  I will say that we often run around worrying about how we appear to be to others.  This surface-based industry doesn't help.  A former improv teacher used to always say I needed to lose some inhibitions.  It's taken a long, long time, but after having every bone in my soul broken at some point through this business - I can safely say I'm far less rigid.  I feel I've reached/am reaching a level of comfort and confidence I haven't known since college.  (Perhaps this is what maturing feels like?)

I think the only fail-proof thing is to just focus on the job at hand or to only engage in what you truly enjoy doing.  I see a lot of highly affected people each day (dang you, hipsters! [That link is for you, Stacey ;)]) and juxtaposed to that - people with a genuine, deep seated ease and comfort in themselves are far more appealing.  Light shining from the inside-out makes you glow; from the outside-in makes you transparent.

Another thing I have learned to embrace (sort of) is that life is the shitty stuff just as much as it is the fun stuff.  No sense in trying to skirt it.  Don't run away from adversity and fear.  If you were offered a pain-free, stress-free, fear-free life but it would only be half as long - would you accept?  Just grab hold.  Go to that audition!  Take out the trash!  Balance that checkbook!  Hit "send"!

Every now and again a family member will say how brave they think I am to pursue this crazy business.  I'm overwhelmed by the compliment but it's not what people think it is.  Firemen aren't NOT scared to run into burning buildings - they just do it anyway.  I think of the scene in Silence of the Lambs where Clarice is fumbling through the darkness.  She's shaking and breathing so hard - she's so scared she's ready to pass the fuck out... and yet she's still in pursuit.  And that's because - something people don't often realize - there is fear on the opposite end as well.  She's more afraid of what happens if she doesn't go through with it. People have told me they'd be too scared to leave home on a lark; I was too scared not to try. 

And yes, sometimes (probably WAY more often than I realize, I'm sure) I do stupid things because perhaps I confuse Fear with Better Judgment.  But, at least I give it a go.

And it's never too late to jump in - though god knows it always feels like it is.  But ultimately - it all comes out in the wash.  The grass is always greener...

What's next for me, you might be stroking your chin and wondering?  Or not.  I'll tell you anyway: a new part time job for one thing.  Which is yet another step in being a more full-time actor.  Also, I need new pictures (again)!  And I'll be hitting the audition circuit and seminars.  I discussed having a joint gallery viewing sometime in the fall with the artist I rent my studio space from - though honestly I'm not really prepared  (this may need to be postponed, but at least I know she's agreeable).  And I also spoke to a couple literary agent/scout friends about my screenplay and I got the tiniest bit of hope that I just might be on the right path.

 That's it for now.  Pressing onward.  Thank you for reading. 

--Susan Atwood

Comments

[Sara]

Awwww - boo. Goodbye, Susan - it's been really entertaining and educational reading about your journey!

[julie]

I'm reading this with tears in my eyes, but then I cry at everything you do and every play I've ever seen you in since grade school. Your the best. I will miss reading your blogs. I think you are very talented woman...but I'm your mom and I should think that. It just happens to be very true in this case.

Julie

[julie]

PS, I love your hair.

[susan]

I tried to get a good pic of it... but that didn't work so good. But thanks. It is rather cute (when it's clean and hasn't been under a hat all day).

[Justine]

All the best to you, Susan, really. I have enjoyed reading your blogs. I haven't met you of course and I think we are probably different in many ways, but you also often write things that I can relate to and when you write it, I will think to myself, "I hear ya." Keep persevering - I know you will. Please keep blogging if you can (or go back to it, after a break) - either on your website or if you decide to open one on Blogger or LiveJournal or somewhere like that -- please post about it under someone's posts here so we can all know where to find it. Would love to keep hearing about what you are doing.

Great to hear that you are getting some encouragement about your screenplay. I'm not surprised - just from reading your blogs here, I can tell that you are a talented writer.

Keep it up. All of it.

Best,
Justine

[susan]

Thank you very much for reading and sharing your thoughts, Justine. It has been a pleasure. I am taking a break from the blogging for now - sometimes picking open the scabs of new wounds so as to share the emotional gore with cyberspace can be a little depleting ;) If I jump back in (probably on my own website), I hope to let you know. Everyone at Back Stage has been very supportive - and I would like to thank them, too. Oh - AND my friend Victoria, without whom I never would have known about this opportunity.

[susan]

OH! And good luck and thank you to all the bloggers - old and new - for their friendship and hard work in making this a great, fun place to be. Break legs, everyone...

[Lena]

You shall be missed! You are such an inspiration, and now I feel motivated to be afraid but still go for it! Yay! Girl power...? You are loved, your hair is awesome, and your career is just beginning and at its climax at the same time (if that makes sense). I shall look for you in many a horror film of the future (written by me, of course).

[stacey jackson]

Awwww Susan. How can we be so fond of each other and yet you still insist on taunting poor innocent hipsters? LOL Girl, you will be missed much and thought of often. I have all the faith that you are on an incredible journey and look forward to hearing about your new adventures. Perhaps we will meet someday? I certainly hope so. Fly, Miss Susan, fly. It's your turn. xo

[Shawn Dempewolff]

Susan! This is such a shame. I will totally miss your blogs - but I understand that it's time to move on. I'll have a hard time thinking of 'unscripted' with out you, actually. I can't wait to hear what's next for you. All the best.

[ed]

Like Sara, I boo too. Like your sense of style. Whatever you do-art, write, act, or direct, best of luck to you.

e