It's Not Easy Seeing Green

Since most of my friends have spouses or significant others are usually preoccupied - and I don't blame them:  had I a playmate I'd lock us in a room or tent alone together at every chance I got, too - holidays of any kind can be... meh.    So, at the last minute on Friday, I decided to hop the bus back home for the long weekend. 

And I saw so much green.  Everything was effing GREEN.  Huge, vast swaths of lush, vibrant green.  Hypnotizing.  Penetrating.  One afternoon, I just sat in the yard and stared at the cows across the road.  Watching them go about their day - lazily chewing and sunning themselves.  Oh, to be a dairy cow...

Careful what you wish for, I guess.

I did not walk to the lake as usual, but drove down.  No bears were spotted. 

One evening my mother said, "You know Ugly Betty is moving to New York, and there is a production company opening up near here, and the Baldwin brothers just came out to the local film festival - it gets bigger every year..."

No, I didn't know any of that - which makes me feel silly because I'm the one in this business, not my mother.    So, I nominated her my research assistant.  We'll see how she does...

Having a career in the city and visiting home... seeing the people you grew up with or went to school with or worked with on summer breaks... wondering how things would have shaped up had you chosen your adventure differently...  It's weird.   Did I choose "wrong" or "bad"?  There probably is no difference... it's just... well... the grass is always greener.

Passing houses with swing sets and pools and seeing everyone driving their own cars (after you just took the crappy f*cking bus)... then you get an email from your photographer and your picture retouches are a little too "perfect" and then worry you may need them done again, so you feel like it is just one thing after another after another after another with this business and you're already so far behind right now because you took too much time off trying to stay sane but then you think, "If I didn't take that time off things could be worse" but then you think "MY GOD, how I would love to just be sitting on the deck in my back yard of a home that I own, with no sirens blaring or neighbors too close for comfort, while the family plays in the yard - or at least while a significant other fetches me another Saranac - right now, instead of worrying about my career, AGAIN", but then you think, "Or would I be sipping my beer in my yard, staring off into space wondering 'What if???' all the time?"...

Or maybe that's just me.

But, either way we chose or don't choose...  it'll be fine.  Right, Mr. Charles?

--Susan Atwood

Comments

[Justine]

I know what you mean, Susan. When I lived in suburban New Jersey I couldn’t wait to leave. But sometimes when I visit my mom there now, I start to see the appeal of it. It can be very easy and pleasant sometimes, in contrast to city life. Like you said, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

[kermit]

It is not easy being green. Weeds are darker than grass so what looks greener may just be more weeds.