A Few Random Musings about Time

A Maelstrom of Insanity.  That's what I would entitle the month of May, if I were Edgar Allen Poe and a touch more freakishly dark and dramatic.  I'm sitting here in my new apartment in Gramercy Hill (there's a section between Gramercy Park and Murray Hill that is officially un-named, thus I've decided to name it), staring out the window past my translucent white drapes and lovely orchid "Eggnog".  I'm between Fred, Eggnog, and Ophelia as names for my new and glorious foliage friend -- the only pet I won't likely kill-- and as I contemplate this, I wonder about life.  Not aloud, as only someone like the golden and ponderous Fabio would do (that's a story for another day...), but within the realms of my Typepad. 

Over a glass of wine, most naturally.  And I just purchased a half dozen beautiful stemless glasses, which are almost too exciting for words.

I've been undergoing many changes, as I've detailed in my most recent posts and thought meanderings... my graduation from school, my first huge apartment move, the plethora of new and (more demandingly old) jobs I've undertaken... it's all so incredibly freeing and weighting at the same time.  Kind of like RedBull and several hamburgers.

I've been officially done with the world of academia ten days.  And while I've gone out of two major auditions, got on hold for one awesome near-rent paying commercial, and was offered the female lead in a fantastic short with an actor I admire very much -- not to mention worked like hell at my job-jobs-- I feel like I've done absolutely nothing with my time.  I fear I've been tending toward the narcissistic for the past two years -- and also like I needed to write out all of those wonderful things out for once just so I could sit here and look at what I've done in less than two weeks.  What wonderful opportunities!  And yet I still feel ... unsatiated.  Hungrier than I've ever been.  I was going to almost say lazy -- but I don't think that'd properly define what I've been doing.   I've been exceptionally busy.  And yet I still don't feel proactive.

What, if I may, gives?

Perhaps it's because I now don't have school hovering over me all of the time, I'm a bit afraid of what I'm capable of doing.  Actually capable of doing.  I have time to network now.  I have time to properly stay in touch with all of the casting directors and agents that I want to target.  I have time to write and produce the short that I fantasized about all through Accounting I, II, and III.  I have time to go out and observe the world.  I have time to finish my sixteen unfinished screenplays. 

I have time.  And I'm trying so very hard not to be terrified by it.

I think this is the first instance in which I've gotten all stream-of-consciousness on you guys.  However, as I sit here listening to the sounds of my beloved New York, wanting desperately to water balloon the just-out-of-college morons that are cackling about The Man Show beneath my window, I feel like shedding my journalistic-tending shell for a moment.  And it feels glorious.

You know what?  Perhaps all I need to do is find a massive clock and break it.  Or hang it directly above my headboard.  Or throw it at these freakin dudes that are now quoting Half Baked.  After all... for the first ten days of my life, I have the time.

-- Ashley Avis

Comments

[Justine]

Glad you didn't end up homeless. ;-)