Double Dipping Audition
We were eating pretzels for the audition, butchered, mangled, shredded into little hamster shavings. Nice! My wife prefaced our audition with, "Uh, you remind me of my first boyfriend."
"Well, maybe that's a good thing," I countered. Just some pleasant, getting to know the wife platitudes. You know the drill, introduce yourselves and then in two seconds be in bed together or in this case at a cozy table for two enjoying an orgiastic feast of, well, shredded pretzels.
So we're instructed to keep our improvising and comments to a minimum, to eat and smile a lot. I just kept putting the teeny pieces in my mouth and smiling while looking adoringly at my wife. We were also, curiously, instructed not to furrow our brows at all. Hmm, are we supposed to now have the Botox look? Welcome to Hollywood!
"More energy, guys!" bellowed the CD. Okay, so I started digging into those hamster shavings with enthusiasm! I was lovin' those pretzels! MMM MMM good! (My wife seemed to think the CD was interested in how well she improvised and thus kept uttering things in the hopes they would be witty.) Um, they weren't. I just kept eating and smiling, as I'm wont to do when food--any food apparently--is put in front of me.
I've been here a billion times; it's about smiling and eating and looking good--not coming up with witticisms. After our audition, I walked in the green room and it was apparent the bloom was off the rose with my adoring wife of five minutes. She was quietly conferring with a few actresses. I got the vibe she was talking about me; she was unnecessarily private and discreet. (Well, not enough, apparently.) So to defuse the awkward situation, or just to remind my wife not to talk about her loving husband while I'm still within earshot, I announced my presence, a defacto "ahem," something inane like "That was fun," and then my vibe was confirmed as she immediately stopped murmuring.
Isn't it funny how actors who are clueless are the first to find fault with those who do know what they're doing? She was the one the CD had to repeatedly ask to smile. He didn't have to tell me; I listened to his initial instructions. I don't say this with any disdain towards her. I just mention it as a reminder for you to do your thing, no matter what resistance you might get from a clueless partner. Listen to the casting director, for sure. But don't assume your wife knows anything. I gave that hag the best five minutes of my life!
Well, that was one annoyance to this audition. The other? I was admonished by the CD for putting a pretzel back in the bowl when our audition was done. Was I George Costanza? Did I double dip!
CD: "Don't put any pretzels back in the bowl that you have not eaten!"
My wife: "I didn't."
CD: "No, but he did." (I'm always the berated pronoun.)
OK, sue me, I double dipped or something similar to that effect. I put a hamster-shaving like pretzel back into the bowl, thereby causing crotchety casting director to have to, egads!, pour more pretzels into the bowl for other actors. Wow, think of how overbudget I must have put these profligate pretzel proceedings.
My second audition today was at a venue I belong in: Comedy Central. My element! Yay!
I had a lot of fun with that audition. No hamster shavings. And I didn't have to deal with the wife!